Maybe I Could’ve Made You Believe

I’m occasionally 85 percent certain that I’ll never be satisfied.

I’ve seen her once this summer. No, I take that back. I technically saw her twice. The first time I’m not counting, though. She was off in her own little world, and I was off in mine. We were in the same room for sure, but we might as well have been, I don’t know, 1400 miles apart. Which happens to be how far apart we are when we’re both at school. Roughly 1400 miles between Louisiana (me) and Connecticut (her). There really wasn’t much difference.

A close mutual friend of ours had some people over his house one surface-of-the-sun hot Saturday afternoon awhile ago. We just sat on his back porch, and watched as new guests came and went. And then there she was.

We all had a great time, me and her included. We were talking, joking, laughing. It was great. Well, that’s 79 percent true.

Yeah, I was having a good time. The thing is, though, I still have these immense feelings for her.

I was hoping that they would’ve quit on me a long time ago. I mean, I rarely ever see her. Even when I do see her, I don’t fool myself into thinking that we’re anything more than very casual friends. You know? She won’t be calling me to hang out or chat anytime soon. And vice versa.

Part of me is glad about that, though I shouldn’t be. I’d like to think that since we aren’t the closest of friends, there’s always the chance that, somewhere down the line, we could become something more. But I’m not stupid. She has no feelings for me. This is it.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot tonight. I don’t know why. I haven’t seen since that day at our friend’s house, which was a while ago by now. I don’t know when the next time I see her will be. I haven’t talked to her. No one has talked to me about her, told me what she’s been up to. There’s no reason for her to be on my mind right now. No reason at all.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about her tonight.

I don’t pretend to know a lot of things. The one thing that I do know right now, though, is that I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care. That I don’t care that we’re only friends. That I don’t care that I never see her.

That I don’t care that she doesn’t care.

Things Such As These Make Me Think From Time to Time

Let’s say I have this Friend, right?

This Friend had a little bit of a crush on this Girl in high school.  Not crazy, over-the-top, in love feelings. No, this Friend didn’t know this Girl that well at all. But this Friend always thought that this Girl was very, very cute.

Fast forward through high school, and through this Friend’s first year of college. During that summer, this Friend ended up at a party that this Girl was also at. This Friend starts to think that, well, maybe he’ll chat this Girl up. See what happens. He still does have a bit of a crush on this Girl. And this Friend and this Girl have had many very pleasant Facebook wall discussions. They happen to have the same taste in music. Which this Friend thinks is awesome.

So this Friend sees this Girl at the party. Doesn’t talk to her. Yes, he has a bit of a crush on her. But, like I said, this Friend didn’t know this Girl in high school that well at all. He still hopes, though.

But, something happens which this Friend doesn’t expect. It turns out that a Friend of this Friend happens to really like this Girl.

Now, this Friend doesn’t know that this Friend of this Friend is necessarily going to go ahead and woo this Girl. But, this puts this Friend in a very awkward position. Either this Friend is very very fortunate, and this Girl falls for him. Or this Friend of a Friend is fortunate. Or nothing happens.

Either way, it will be tough for this Friend. He’s disappointed that he might not end up with this Girl, who we seems to like even more the more he thinks about her. Again, even though he doesn’t really know her that well.

Or, he ends up with the Girl, and could quite possibly make things between this Friend and this Friend of a Friend very very awkward.

Here’s hoping this Friend of mine gets it all figured out. I don’t like when this Friend of mine is feeling down.

It’s Never Gonna Be That Simple

So, I was listening to “Realize” by Colbie Caillat.

Yeah, I said it.

I never connected the song, or anything. I just like it because it has some killer pop melodies in it. And I am a melody guy. There is a lot other pop music out there that you might not guess that I like, that I like solely based on melody. Not structure, not lyrics, not personal connectivity.

In the song, though, she sings, over and over and over, that “It’s never gonna be that simple”. I think that sums up my entire personal life. In one phrase. Impressive, but frighteningly accurate.

I guess I always assumed that, at some point in high school, or at least my first year of college, I’d find the Right Girl. She’d be crazy for me! Things would happen, the ball would start rolling, very easily. We’d just kind of fall into things, you know?

Maybe it’s because other people make it look so easy. All I know for sure, though, is that it’s never been that easy for me.

I just finished my first year in college, and I’m still crazy for the same girl I’ve been crazy for since freshman year of high school. Our lockers were next to each other for three years in high school, I took her to my Junior Ring Dance, we’ve been friends for a while. But now, I haven’t seen her in a really long time. As I went off to school 1400 miles away in New Orleans, she stayed in-state. On top of all of that, she knows how I feel, and just wants to stay friends.

You’d think, or at least hope, that I would’ve moved on by now. I’ve tried, dammit, I’ve tried. There was a girl at school that I thought, for a while, things would happen with. But that didn’t work out. And there’s another girl at school that’s definitely interested in me, so something could’ve happened there, too.

But it just didn’t feel right. For whatever reason, this girl, 1400 miles away, who does not return my feelings at all, kept me awake many a night.

I just can’t get her out of my head. Even worse, I can’t get her out of my heart.

If only it were that simple. If only.

I Swear I’m Not John Cusack, or, My Personal Life and How It Relates To Movies I’ve Watched Recently

I love movies. I know that’s a really general statement, but I do. One of my very favorite things in the whole wide world to do, is to just get together with some of my closest friends at someone’s house, watch a good movie, and then talk about it and quote it for the rest of the night. There are few things I enjoy more.

A lot of times, I love the movies that I love because I somehow connect with them. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of my favorite movies are great just because of their pure entertainment factor. Trading Places, A Hard Day’s Night, Love and Death, any Mel Brooks movie, whatever.

That’s not the case with all of my favorites. There’s Garden State. No, I’ve never been an actor, living in LA, who once played a retarded quarterback on T.V., and I have not, as of yet, had the good fortune to meet Natalie Portman. But I know that feeling of not knowing what the fuck I want, that feeling of not knowing where the fuck I’m going, too well.

One of my favorite movies is High Fidelity. You know the one. John Cusack, Jack Black, “Kathleen Turner Overdrive”? If you haven’t seen it, we’re not friends.

High Fidelity was always one of those movies for me. I guess I felt connected to John Cusack’s portrayal of Rob Gordon because I, like Rob, am a music freak. I am elitist, easily close-minded, and I hate the bands you like. But my whole world is music. After watching High Fidelity again this afternoon, I realized that that is all that I have in common with Rob Gordon.

You see, the whole movie, Rob is trying to figure out why his ex-girlfriend Laura left him, and he tries to figure out a way to win her back. He spends that whole hour and a half-plus wading through past relationships, past loves, and past heartbreaks.

For better or for worse, and I haven’t decided which one it is yet, I couldn’t do that if I wanted to. It’s not that I don’t have the go-nads to think through all of that. It’s just that, I have no past like that to think through.

Some of it’s my fault. In fact, a lot of it is my fault. Ever since I can remember, and all the way up until now, in college, I’ve been a shy fuck. I have a hard time really letting go, really opening up, and just showing a girl what she means to me.

The worst, though, is what isn’t my fault. The unrequited love. I’ve had my share of that. In fact, to be totally honest, I’m still feeling my share of that. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on the worst of my enemies. That constant realization that there is NOTHING I can do? That’s what keeps me up at night.

So maybe I’m no Rob Gordon. Come to think of it, with all the ongoing feelings of unrequited love, I think I’m more like Bleeker from Juno. Although, without that happy ending, when he finally gets what he wanted the entire movie, for the time being.

And without all the orange Tic-Tacs and sex, too.